"Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one. "
~John Lennon

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Who Will I Find To Fit In With

My whole life was spent trying to fit in by doing things I didn't even like, just to be part of something. I did not like drinking; I drank but just enough to fit in with the people I hung out with. I truly disliked the taste. I waited until my thirties to experiment with marijuana. After two years trying it occasionally, I removed it from my life. I smoked cigarettes because my first husband smoked and then one day in 1986 I asked myself what the hell was I doing, I did not like the taste. See, taste again. My senses have been trying to make me aware of what is good for me and in a stupor I stumbled along to fit in.

Then in 1985 I met a guy who was so much like me. He did not watch TV, he did not smoke, he used his computer for information, he was a voracious reader, he didn't just enjoy music as I did, he composed music. I found my home. As the years progressed, we found more things in common. And the latest change was to kick wheat out of our lives.

And then it was all over in an instant. The second he made love to his mania instead of me, he left me, left our marriage, and eventually left our home and found a new life with few, if any, responsibilities. We are now nothing alike. I still have standards and have worked hard to be a strong, loving, clear thinking woman. I believe in being faithful and honorable and truthful and I know I am able to be these things and still be fun loving and young at heart.

So now I stand naked in front of my mirror (so to speak) and ask, how did I get back to this place? I am different; I don't watch TV, I don't do facebook or twitter, I don't drink or do drugs, and I don't eat anything with wheat or grains in it. Do I sound dull? No fun? I am a fairly serious person but I so enjoy humor and laughter.

There has to be a reason I am still in this body on this earth in this situation. There must be more to learn and much I can contribute. If this sounds like I am feeling sorry for myself, that is a small part of it. I have always been able to get through the rough times, learn what I can from them, re-evaluate my situation, and move forward with an open mind and willing heart. I will not become a bitter, frosty, isolated older woman. I accept who I am, I like who I am, I don't have to fit like a glove in the community; I fit like a loose jacket in the community and comfortable in my own skin.

Good enough.

Graphic found on Google.


Ms. A said...

That's absolutely good enough... more than good! Until one can be true to oneself, how can they be their true self with anyone else!

oceangirl said...

I think opposites attract.

Rock Chef said...

I love that you are different. Be who you are - people should, will and do love you for that.

Anonymous said...

I don't subscribe to the wisdom we must completely love ourself to be happy (I've known too many folk who've taken that to the extreme!), but I do know it's healthy to LIKE who we are - if not, how can we hope for anyone else to like us? I do believe you are moving forward, dearest Cici, to a place of safety and peace, and I know you well enough to have faith you are constructing the bones of happiness and contentment with every step along the way.

R. J. said...

It is sad when people lose themselves just to fit in. There are others who will appreciate your uniqueness. Good wishes for the season. I hope next year will be a better one for you.

DJan said...

I hope we can connect soon, so we can just talk about stuff. This is a particularly hard patch, losing your friend like this. But you are a strong, capable, and especially talented person who has given me a great deal to think about. Ever since I found blogging, I've become a part of a community that helps to sustain me through the hard times, and you have been there for me. I hope I can be there for you. Sending you virtual hugs...

Ina in Alaska said...

I don't necessarily feel you need a partner to be happy especially if your partner is capable of harming you on any level. Now you are alone in your home but you have friends and a support system and I do not think you are odd or different. No judging here. I just think you picked up a new book for your life. Be still and embrace the change. Who knows where it may lead.

How about a nice little kitty companion for the holidays? Merry Christmas dear CiCi xo

Hilary said...

Ahh CiCi you're wonderful just the way you are. I love your analogy of fit. Like a glove works for some, but I think most of us fall under the loose jacket category. It gives us room to explore interests outside of our connections.

You're a gem. I know this from all that you write, and how you reached out to me when you sensed some sadness, and from a much-enjoyed hour on the phone. I know I connected with a very real, very wonderful person.

This change will bring good things your way. I just know it. Hugs to you, my friend.

Eddie Bluelights said...

From now on CiCi please be your own person and make the world fit in with you. Put yourself first for a change, you deserve it ~ hugs, Eddie

CiCi said...

Ms.A, remaining true to myself is definitely what is helping me through a difficult time. I am finding I can still just be myself and find activities to be join.

oceangirl, it would be a disastrous relationship if I tried to be with someone who is opposite of me. The basic ethical and moral beliefs must be the same.

Rock Chef, I have never thought of it that way. You give me hope of finding like people and meaningful relationships.

Shrinky, indeed I am moving forward. Each day brings more smiles than tears and now it is barely a lump in my throat. Thank you for your sage words.

R.J., I no longer feel the need to do things I dislike in order to fit in. And I am finding things in this town to suit my lifestyle. Thank you for your good wishes.

DJan, the blog friends are constant and encouraging. You said it exactly like I feel, I lost my friend. Writing this post was very hard for me, but baring my heartache is me being honest.

Ina, I do not need a partner to be my best or be happy. It is a good feeling to know that. But people to hang out with and do things with occasionally is what I am thinking of. Since I am meeting people now, they are all new to me and it takes time to find the people with like interests and like character. You are reading my mind, I am being drawn to finding a kitten.

Hilary, your phone call was uplifting and encouraging. You are real too, down to earth and caring. I am open to meeting new friends with interests other than the ones I have, like you say. I continue to heal and my smiles and laughter surprise me sometimes and please me that I have come so far in the healing process.

Eddie, understanding that my own person is worthy and of value is dawning on me now. My blog friends do know me very well, and I trust all of your opinions and advice.

Maggie May said...

Maybe it is better to be on your own and do what you want and not have to please anyone but yourself. Doesn't mean you have to be lonely or depressed. Sometimes we depend on others too much.
Hoping you feel the support of your bloggy friends!
Maggie X

Nuts in May

"Abby" said...

Nice introspective post. One major thing I learned from my coaching was that there is a vast difference between "fitting in" and "belonging". Once you no longer worry about fitting in, you'll be where you belong. It sounds like you're in a pretty good place!

bill lisleman said...

The little I know from your blogging and comments tell me you have a balanced perspective on life. As I try to promote a lighten-up attitude I do find it difficult at times. Life is balance. Laughing tears are the best though.
Merry Christmas - all the best

Brian Miller said...

you know...at the end of the day...you are better for all that you have done and been through cici and you know what...if you are anything in life (which i believe you are) as you are here...i think you will fit in exactly where you are supposed to...

terri said...

There is nothing that says you need to be just like the majority of people in order to be accepted. Really, the people we all tend to find most interesting are the ones who are NOT like everybody else. But I know it's hard when you feel like you don't have a a particular place to fit in. It's not fun feeling lonely. You're on a new path and it will probably just take some time to find "your people." You'll get there.

Jeni said...

You will find and you will "fit" just fine and dandy too, just as you are! Why? Because you are just that, you, and you don't portray yourself as something you are not. Not that I think you need reminded of this -but some of us do -just always do stay true to yourself. The rest will follow through for you.

Anne H said...

You are one of the strongest and most stable influences out there in blogland. I learn something from you every time. And I can't say that about alot of people.
Maybe just as drinking as smoking are acquired tastes (that is - we DO it for the taste... we do it for the effect) maybe it's that way with solitude... we might not like it, but we can learn to embrace it..
My heart goes out to you!

CiCi said...

Maggie, I am getting along by myself fine, it is finding people I have things in common with that is difficult. I want to be true to myself while having time around other people.

Abby, exactly. I am who I am and I have worked hard to be the woman I am today. I am feeling comfortable in this little town and meeting new people.

bill, I like your phrase of "laughing tears". Yes, I do have balance in my life, thank God.

Brian, going through hard times does teach me things so I can understand what you are saying. Yes, I am in real life like I am when I blog.

terri, being on a new path is unexpected but it is becoming an adventure rather than a scary predicament. I am cautiously getting reaching out to new people.

Jeni, thanks for your confidence in me, you have known me a long time.

Anne, your first sentence is a surprise to read. Yet I can see that I am stable and I say things straight out so I can see why that is your opinion of me. I value your good opinion. Thank you.

LL Cool Joe said...

"I don't watch TV, I don't do facebook or twitter, I don't drink or do drugs".

Me neither, well I drink in moderation, but I've never considered myself dull either. In fact I've never tried drugs at all. I tend to think that makes us more interesting don't you?

In the words of Bobby Vee "Be true to yourself and you'll always be true to me."

Cyndi said...

Wow. Interesting post. Phenomenally phenomenal. :)

Joanna Jenkins said...

I second the suggestion of a kitten or puppy! (Easy for me to say, but they are so loving and sweet.)

I think of you often and send a little prayer and hugs your way. You're doing a great job in this very difficult and sad time, CiCi. At our age it take a bit longer to make new and meaningful friends but I hope you know that you're a dear friend to me and I suspect a lot of other bloggers too.

xoxoxo jj

Mrs4444 said...

Still missing some pieces, but this was helpful. You are an amazing woman, Cici. I like your attitude.