Snow

That is what I thought about snow before I lived in it. Ha.

Postal Pretties

When something comes in the mail there is a little excitement. Even if it is something I ordered, when I find a package in my mail box, I smile. It feels good.

Joanna held a giveaway on her blog, The Fifty Factor. I clicked on the link to Izzy's etsy shop and was drawn to the copper combined with other materials to make unique jewelry. Me, the person with bundles of will power, could not resist a bracelet too sweet for words, so I ordered the bracelet.

What followed was a continuation of the sweetness I found on Izzy's etsy. When Izzy read that I found her on Joanna's blog, Izzy refunded the shipping charge to my pay pal account and emailed me that she was doing that. A couple emails later, Izzy and I had found some common ground. Izzy is a lovely and dear woman.

When the USPS box arrived in the mail, inside what looked like a gift box with a bow was even more sweetness. The handmade unique jewelry arrives in the mail ready to give as a gift. In my case, the gift was to myself! Along with the bracelet that I had ordered was a pair of earrings to match. I wore the jewelry the very same day, my first time to venture out to dinner with my friend Vicki. My pictures don't do the jewelry justice.

 Many thanks to Joanna for introducing me to the talents and sweetness of Izzy. And thanks to Izzy for the surprises she sent my way. Pinch me now, how did I deserve so many blessings?

Adoption Process

A 92 year old woman had a 2 year old cat. The woman became ill and went to hospital. The cat was looked after by the woman's children. The woman made her family promise to take care of her beloved cat if she was not able to. They promised her. Then the woman passed away.

The woman lived in the next city. I don't know her name but I am connected to her. I never knew her. Her children did not keep their promise to her. They dropped the cat at the Humane Society. I was in contact with the Humane Society looking for a cat.

That is how Lola and I became roommates. Lola came with a letter that said "Hi, my name is Lola. I am a lover", with the information about her. She was declawed, spayed, had her shots, loves to be brushed.

Her first night with me, I kept her in the pet carrier and sat down on the floor and talked to her. When she was ready to venture out, she got up and pushed on the door so I opened the door. She walked out and looked at me, meowed quietly, looked around the living room, then slowly walked into the bedroom and went under the bed. I pulled up the bed skirt a few times and encouraged her to come out but I let have her time. An hour and a half later, she came into to the kitchen to find me and talk to me. I brushed her and petted her and she meowed and I talked quietly. I slept so well that night with her on top of the comforter with her head on my leg. When I moved she adjusted and put her head back on my leg. We are a good fit. We are going to be just fine.

I send thanks out to the woman who loved her first. She must have taken very good care of Lola because Lola is calm, relaxed, regal. The woman's family was unable to keep their promise, but I will keep it for them. Does that make me a surrogate? I don't mind at all.

Lola came to live with me on Valentine's Day.

Get it, Lola the Lover?

I crocheted a ball for her to bat around on the wooden floor and am teaching her to play. Her first days with me were spent eating and sleeping. She will climb into my lap and rest her head on my arm and purr quietly. When my landlord informed me he was charging me $400 pet deposit, I told him I just wanted some joy in my life. I believe now that is what I received.

Weighted Branches

Bare branches

Snowy weight

Winter delight

Naked arms

Light and free

Life transition

The trees across the street begged to be photographed. The dark tree trunks and branches with snow resting on them show as black and white photos. I wrote the first verse about the trees and the second about me.

I still have difficulty concentrating sometimes, am not reading much or blogging as much. I can see progress but still have little moments of forgetfulness. I will set my cup of coffee on the warmer and forget to push the "on" button. I will be in the middle of doing something and forget how many scoops of coffee I already added or did I take my blood pressure med. I think that a terrible shock caused me to revert to the place I was before therapy 3 years ago; dissociating, mind wandering, blackouts, but thankfully, not to the extent of pre-therapy.  Forcing myself to stay busy, having to be places on time and participate in life functions is helping me as well as thinking of others' needs and not focus on myself. It would be easy for me to stay in my pj's, lock the doors, pull the curtains, and hide and mourn. But for once in my life I am yanking myself up and making myself do what is uncomfortable, but healthy, for me.

God's Elder Children

Before eating together at the senior center, we face the flag and say the Pledge of Allegiance and then say a prayer. In the prayer, we speak of ourselves as God's elder children.

One of the first seniors to befriend me was Henry. He was the principal at the high school for many years. His wife passed away ten years ago. He has had a lady friend who lost her husband around the same time his wife died. They became travel companions, taking trips together and making some amazing booklets of photos and mementos of the trips.

When Henry and his wife married, I was six years old. He and I laughed that I could have been their flower girl. One day Henry and I toasted his wife with our decaf coffee and he told me all about her. It would have been her birthday. It was a beautiful afternoon of stories of love and sorrows.

When I was feeling low, Henry would sense it. He would stoop down and whisper "God bless you" or "You are doing great".

I had lots of things in common with Henry. We both loved coffee, and would drink decaf weaker than most people make it. We loved to compare books and I would search through all his books. We talked about our travels, our children, our success stories and our disappointments. For a man in a small town, Henry did not have a small mind. He accepted people and was interested in them.

Henry passed away in a rehab facility in a nearby city. The week before he died he told me on the phone that he was getting well and was looking forward to our next visit when he got home. He did not realize that he was really going home.

Some friends pass through our lives for a short time. Henry's gentle, intelligent nature calmed me and encouraged me during some dark times. In our last conversation I ended the phone call by telling him how much I cared about him, and he replied "I feel the same way, sweetheart". Good bye, dear friend.

Valentines Day Is For Everyone

We think we are still the young, agile couple; other people see this.



This dancing couple may be senior citizens but they are still having fun. I have about twenty years to be the age they are, but I plan on making the very most of each day along the way and be dancing and enjoying myself till I take the last breath on this earth.

This photo made me smile and helped me remember there is still romance and joy as people get older. Hopefully there will be some in my life.

"The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. They must be felt with the heart." --Helen Keller

"I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep."
--Love Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda


Happy Valentine's Day, everyone!

Hugs from
CiCi


Photo information: The first photo found on Google. The second photo: Hewitt Bruce and Betty Fisch take a spin on the dance floor at the Edgewater Pointe Estates retirement community in Boca Raton, Fla. The dance was part of a Valentine's Day celebration. (Wilfredo Lee/Associated Press)

Fair Weather Friends

None of my friends are like this, however. They would hold me back and keep me from jumping off the bridge. Some of them have done things like that for me a few times; kept me from jumping off the bridge. Thank you, dear friends.

Grooming

One of my friends is a Mary Kay consultant. She is committed to giving 30 facials in 30 days so another friend and I volunteered. They came to my place for an afternoon of girls' grooming.

I will let anyone clean my face and apply makeup. Well, maybe not exactly anyone.

Repaired Fences

Do my fences need mending? For three years I have been sweating and beating my breast doing the mental and emotional work required in my recovery. From codependency. Add depression to the mix, and throw in disassociation with a smidgen of PTSD. Many times something would push my buttons and BAM I would react and then have to backtrack and swing around to reach the tools I selected in therapy and with my sponsor in CoDA.

Instead of using fences to hide behind, or looking through the slats to hidden truth, I am learning to mend my hurts, stand up tall, WD40 the squeak in the gate, and walk through the gate and face people instead of hiding behind the fence. The fence is not mended completely yet, it is used as a backdrop for flowers and angel statues, not a barrier between me and fear of more pain. So the fence is stronger.

I still have fear and anger but more and more manageable. Trusting myself to react wisely when I get hurt or frightened, I am able to learn to trust others a little more each day. This in itself is a huge change. Just think, I spent all my life distrusting, holding back, running away. It was just the way I was, and I did not even see it as destructive. The behavior learned at a very young age that helped me survive became a way of life. Releasing the tight hold on the safety strap that was actually choking me as an adult, has freed me to feel. I am awakening to choices, and being able to make them. Based on what I feel. What I need. Me. My choice.

Today is my birthday. Another year of learning and dealing with disappointments and change. Today I am at peace and content with my life. I wish the same for you.