Thursday, February 2, 2012
Do my fences need mending? For three years I have been sweating and beating my breast doing the mental and emotional work required in my recovery. From codependency. Add depression to the mix, and throw in disassociation with a smidgen of PTSD. Many times something would push my buttons and BAM I would react and then have to backtrack and swing around to reach the tools I selected in therapy and with my sponsor in CoDA.
Instead of using fences to hide behind, or looking through the slats to hidden truth, I am learning to mend my hurts, stand up tall, WD40 the squeak in the gate, and walk through the gate and face people instead of hiding behind the fence. The fence is not mended completely yet, it is used as a backdrop for flowers and angel statues, not a barrier between me and fear of more pain. So the fence is stronger.
I still have fear and anger but more and more manageable. Trusting myself to react wisely when I get hurt or frightened, I am able to learn to trust others a little more each day. This in itself is a huge change. Just think, I spent all my life distrusting, holding back, running away. It was just the way I was, and I did not even see it as destructive. The behavior learned at a very young age that helped me survive became a way of life. Releasing the tight hold on the safety strap that was actually choking me as an adult, has freed me to feel. I am awakening to choices, and being able to make them. Based on what I feel. What I need. Me. My choice.
Today is my birthday. Another year of learning and dealing with disappointments and change. Today I am at peace and content with my life. I wish the same for you.