"Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one. "
~John Lennon


Thursday, February 2, 2012

Repaired Fences


Do my fences need mending? For three years I have been sweating and beating my breast doing the mental and emotional work required in my recovery. From codependency. Add depression to the mix, and throw in disassociation with a smidgen of PTSD. Many times something would push my buttons and BAM I would react and then have to backtrack and swing around to reach the tools I selected in therapy and with my sponsor in CoDA.

Instead of using fences to hide behind, or looking through the slats to hidden truth, I am learning to mend my hurts, stand up tall, WD40 the squeak in the gate, and walk through the gate and face people instead of hiding behind the fence. The fence is not mended completely yet, it is used as a backdrop for flowers and angel statues, not a barrier between me and fear of more pain. So the fence is stronger.


I still have fear and anger but more and more manageable. Trusting myself to react wisely when I get hurt or frightened, I am able to learn to trust others a little more each day. This in itself is a huge change. Just think, I spent all my life distrusting, holding back, running away. It was just the way I was, and I did not even see it as destructive. The behavior learned at a very young age that helped me survive became a way of life. Releasing the tight hold on the safety strap that was actually choking me as an adult, has freed me to feel. I am awakening to choices, and being able to make them. Based on what I feel. What I need. Me. My choice.

Today is my birthday. Another year of learning and dealing with disappointments and change. Today I am at peace and content with my life. I wish the same for you.

40 comments:

Ms. A said...

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, CICI!"

In the time I've been with you, I've seen you change a lot. You've become much more mellow.

Rock Chef said...

Happy Birthday, CiCi!

It is good to keep moving forward - too easy to hide away and become bitter, reclusive, hardened, impervious to the good things that life has to offer.

CiCi said...

Mellow is good, I think. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

CiCi said...

Exactly, RC, you use the correct word in "hide". That is something I do not want to fall into, hiding from life. Thanks for the birthday wishes.

Jeanie said...

Your birthday seems to have found you in a very good place in your life. Happy birthday and I hope the year ahead brings you much joy.

Jeni said...

And may the peace of mind that passes all understanding continue to grow within you. Have a wonderful birthday!

CiCi said...

Finding joy in small things and appreciating a calm life as I make dinner for one does not seem a small miracle anymore. I am adjusting my attitude as well as my time schedule. I am busy and productive and finding positive things in life. Thanks, Jeanie, for your kind words.

DJan said...

Happy, happy birthday, CiCi! I do hope that the coming year will be one of discovery, joy, and growth. I can almost guarantee it will be. Your wonderful spirit is dancing! :-)

CiCi said...

Jeni, very appropriate words for me right now. I have let go of my expectations and leave each day the best way I can. Yes, I will enjoy my birthday today, putting up decorations for February at the senior center and thinking of doing things that make the seniors happy there. Thanks for the years on my previous blog and now this new blog giving your encouragement and friendship.

CiCi said...

Thanks, DJan. I can't say I am dancing yet inside but I am much more content and adjusting to the reality that helps me be healthy.
I find myself stopping to think what do I really want several times a day, forcing myself to think and decide consciously what is right for me. I do know I want to keep my home life as simple as possible, uncluttered, few possessions, continue to rent and not buy ever again. For me that means less responsibility. Thanks for the wishes for discovery, joy and growth. Perfect for where I am right now.

Ina in Alaska said...

Happy Birthday CiCi!! I agree with many commenters - you have come so far - BRAVO!!! xoxo

CiCi said...

Thank you, Ina. I put one foot in front of the other and lately I find I am moving a little faster and not lagging. I was probably a little depressed and now am enjoying some things again.

R. J. said...

I looked up your birthday at this site: http://tlc.howstuffworks.com/family/february-2-birthday-astrology.htm
It's fun reading and echoes everything you've said here. Check it out and have a great birthday!

Brian Miller said...

mending our fences rather than hiding behind them...there is a lot of wisdom in that cici...my wish for you this coming year is all the happiness...and you find someone for that high tea...give it time...smiles.

Shadowthorne @ Ramzu Zahini said...

Happy birthday Cici!
You are talking about fences, which i would refer as a personal wall. For years, i rarely let people get through to me, totally untrusting to most people. But these few years, as i grew older, letting people into the weird compound of my mind is as interesting as a scientific experiment. They may cringe or be elated at what they might see, but nevertheless the truth shall remain - i am a mighty interesting person.
Smile ;)

Anne H said...

Happy Birthday to yououououououououoo!
Every day is a great day for mending stuff!

Cinner said...

Happy Birthday CiCi. I hope you have a fabulous day. hugs.

CiCi said...

Amazing how I could relate to most of what I read on the link. Thanks for sending that to me.

My birthday is only half over and I have had so much fun already.

Thanks for your good wishes.

CiCi said...

Mending my fences is taking time as you know, Brian. Just knowing I am making positive and strong changes toward my better emotional health aids better physical health as well. One thing I am doing differently now is not bottling things up and pushing down the feelings. I do hope to have a venue for high tea in this town some day.

CiCi said...

I have always thought of you as interesting and I like that you listen and assess and then decide what is right for you. You are right about the personal wall. I am so glad you have been removing some of the wall you put up years ago.

CiCi said...

Thanks, Anne. Yes, every day is perfect for mending heart, mind, spirit.

CiCi said...

Thanks for your dear comment and for all your kindness to me since I met you.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday to you, Happy Birthday dear CiCi, Happy Birthday to you. May the year ahead be filled with happiness.

CiCi said...

Debby, thank you for singing to me. I appreciate it. I am taking things slowly and gently more than I ever did before. Reading, crocheting, going to Bingo, grooming, taking care of myself. And my friends are getting me a cat this weekend. My mother says she remembers when I had a cat I trained to use the toilet, I did not have to clean litter box. I should write a post about that.

"Abby" said...

Happy Birthday, CiCi - a day late :(!

One step at a time. It sounds like you are feeling results, though. I'm going through similar things and know what you mean about fences and how they don't necessarily go away, just change in "function". Change is good! I looke forward to witnessing more of your evolution here.

Nezzy said...

Woohoo, here's sendin' ya a great big old Ozark's HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR CICI!!!!

May God grant you the peace and contentment throughout your lifetime sweetie!!!

From the happy hills and hollers of the very muddy Missouri Ponderosa, ya have a grand time celebration you big day. May it be filled with love, laughter and cake baby, heaps of cake piled high with icin'!!! :o)

Joanna Jenkins said...

Sooo sorry I'm late to the birthday party but I wish you a wonderful year and I hope you had a great big piece of cake to celebrate ;-)

Your words here are powerful and clearly show the huge progress you've made in your life. You've shared some of you past with us and as they say "You've come a long way baby!" Keep up the great job of self-trust and exploration. We're cheering you on.

Happy belated birthday! xoxo jj

CiCi said...

Hi Abby, thanks for the birthday wishes. Yes, I am feeling results and getting stronger in the growth. Thanks for the encouraging words. Good to know you are going through similar work and I hope your results are welcome.

CiCi said...

Hi Nezzy, your enthusiasm is contagious. Thanks for you loving and fun words. I hope things are going well in your life.

CiCi said...

Thank you, Joanna. I know I have made lots of progress in my life and have been put in the position of needing to do some hard work even more than before. But I am up to it. You are a grand friend and I appreciate you so much.

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

You sound so good, so self-aware, so much more healed than ever. I'm so glad that you're hanging tough and doing what's best for YOU!!!

CiCi said...

Glad it shows in my words how much I have healed. I am in acceptance of so much now and filling my dance card so to speak with activities of interest and continuing to meet new friends.
Life without negativity and broken promises is calm and kind.

terri said...

Happy birthday, my friend. May your healing continue and your strength keep growing.

CiCi said...

Thank you, Terri. There is just a little blip once in awhile now. Most of the time I am at peace and doing well.

Stickup Artist said...

Happy Birthday to You, CiCi !!! So often, that which served us in childhood must be abandoned as adults. It is an amazing thing to come to grips with. Our self-destructive thoughts and behaviors are like old friends that are hard to part ways with. That story we identify with is that strong. But you have found the wisdom to rewrite your story anew on a daily basis, that is the truth of the journey...

CiCi said...

Doing things for so many years and then to learn to stop doing them has been a tough job. But oh so worth it. You are learning lessons at a young age and I am happy for you that you aren't waiting until my age. I am once again be-bopping along in life, participating fully and glad to wake up in the mornings. Thanks for stopping by with the birthday wishes.

Brian Miller said...

def good in not bottling them up...was just working with a kid on this yesterday who is doing just that...and packing it away until he blows...hope the birthday went well...smiles.

Unknown Mami said...

Happy Birthday, you beautiful evolving person!

Hilary said...

A belated Happy Birthday to you, CiCi. Wishing you much love and happiness, my friend.

Kleinste Motte said...

Well Over time I sense that the changes you are experiencing are going in the right direction. Hope the year ahead continues to be one of inspiration and self awareness.