"Imagine all the people living life in peace. You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us, and the world will be as one. "
~John Lennon


Sunday, February 19, 2012

Weighted Branches


Bare branches
Snowy weight
Winter delight

Naked arms
Light and free
Life transition

The trees across the street begged to be photographed. The dark tree trunks and branches with snow resting on them show as black and white photos. I wrote the first verse about the trees and the second about me.

I still have difficulty concentrating sometimes, am not reading much or blogging as much. I can see progress but still have little moments of forgetfulness. I will set my cup of coffee on the warmer and forget to push the "on" button. I will be in the middle of doing something and forget how many scoops of coffee I already added or did I take my blood pressure med. I think that a terrible shock caused me to revert to the place I was before therapy 3 years ago; dissociating, mind wandering, blackouts, but thankfully, not to the extent of pre-therapy.  Forcing myself to stay busy, having to be places on time and participate in life functions is helping me as well as thinking of others' needs and not focus on myself. It would be easy for me to stay in my pj's, lock the doors, pull the curtains, and hide and mourn. But for once in my life I am yanking myself up and making myself do what is uncomfortable, but healthy, for me.



37 comments:

Ms. A said...

Cici, you are being your own kick in the pants and keeping on taking forward steps, in spite of the difficulty. That's a good thing! I do recommend getting a calendar and marking when you take your medications, since that has the potential to cause an issue. I had to do that, because if I didn't, I couldn't remember whether or not I had taken mine. (I did still have to remember what the heck day of the week it was) I'm not on prescription medication anymore, but one thing I do now, after I take my vitamin, I turn the bottle upside down. Before bed, I turn it back right side up, for the next day.

Keep on keeping on!

Izzy said...

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend and I know the mourning process can be one of the most difficult we, as humans, can face. The memories never fade but the heart does mend. Take your time coming through this. Healing doesn't happen over night. Do, however take the above advice and mark days for your meds. That's some important stuff, you know. We are all sending you much healing light.

CiCi said...

Good suggestions. I am trying to take a vitamin and some calcium and even leave the bottles out on the counter and cannot remember to take them, so maybe the upside down look will attract my attention. Will let you know if that works. Omigosh, day of the week thing, looking at a calendar does not help unless I already know what day it is, so I count on my computer to keep me up to date.

CiCi said...

I am missing my friend who was helping me come to terms with my sadness over missing my husband. Sort of a double whammy in a way. I appreciate your reminder that healing does not happen over night. I began a new regimen today regarding my meds. I will see if it helps. Thank you.

Kleinste Motte said...

If you have a cell phone it comes with calendar and options like alarm. It can be set to tell you daily to take meds. Many doctors are now having elders work this way. The new tools we can use are so awesome. I suppose this method could also be used on a computer but it's less portable.
It's sad that you just made a new friend and had to lose him. It really does make the heart so heavy but I am proud that you have opted to be more alert about self care and that you get out. I fail in doing that. I have to work more on it. I think my dependence on others to push me is really bad. I need to do things for me. It's time. Yesterday was the first time I really tried. I shovelled snow just because I wanted to and it felt good.
I noticed a hint of colour in the second photo and realized they were not black and white. and I smiled when I read you took them. Good for you! I hope you'll find some other stuff to capture.

Kleinste Motte said...

I forgot to ask what type of vest you use. I did get the meter being 3,3,4 but could not recall what it is.

DJan said...

They are beautiful pictures, and you're right, they just begged to be photographed. And I'm thinking about you and hopefully you can tell that you are being supported by those who care. Just knowing that somebody cares helps me every day. Sending you hugs, too...

oceangirl said...

I love the pictures and the verses. I hope today is better than yesterday.

Debby@Just Breathe said...

I love snow covered branches. Way to go on pushing yourself to the limit each day! The ball will get rolling and there will be no stopping you from enjoying your life.

R. J. said...

Heavy, snow-covered limbs and twigs are beautiful to photograph. Your photos reminded me of our last snowfall that left our woods looking like a fairyland, but I didn't venture out with the camera. Good photos.

On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being really great, it sounds like life has left you in the cellar. I wish you continued progress climbing out. If it isn't one thing in life, it is another. Hopefully, there are better things around the corner.

bill lisleman said...

Recognizing the issues is more that half the battle. It sounds like you know what you need to do. all the best

Ina in Alaska said...

Day by day. You are going great CiCi.

Love the snowy trees! Mother Nature decorates so beautifully.

Jeni said...

So nice to see someone else sees and loves the beauty in snow-covered trees -as well as in many other things covered in white. As to the forgetfulness, I do think the little fleeting thoughts of what I need to get, do, see, etc., that escape before I reach my destination -which also sometimes escapes me and I stop, wondering, what was it exactly I needed to get, to do, to find? Sometimes, that fleeting though returns to me about as quickly as it had disappeared earlier and then, there are times when that thought never returns too. Frustrating, just very frustrating it can all be at times.

CiCi said...

No cell phone here. After being the business world for many years and blasted with the technology, it is so pleasant to have my quiet peaceful life. Yes, it is a better way toward recovery to get out and keep busy. Thanks for the comment about the photos too, every once in awhile I get the camera out again.

Liz @ A Nut in a Nutshell said...

I have to use one of those day by day pill boxes or I would never remember to take anything. I keep it by my computer because I'm there so much.

You are really making it, CiCi. You ARE!

CiCi said...

When I stepped out the front door I looked up at the trees in front of me and had to go inside for the camera. I deliberately left the smile of yellow of the house across the street in the picture to show it was not a black/white photo. Your caring words mean so much to me.

CiCi said...

Thank you. Your verses on your blog inspire me to write sometimes.
Each day gets a tiny bit better. I hope it does for you too.

CiCi said...

I really do consciously push myself to get ready and go out the door. If I start feeling down I call a couple people to just visit on the phone a couple minutes, it changes the atmosphere and my mood. I find I do that less now.

CiCi said...

I am about halfway up the cellar stairs now. Glad you like the photos. I like your way of describing the snowy trees as a fairyland; walking around here after snowfall is sparkly and amazing.

CiCi said...

Yes, I am tuned in to my mood and feelings and deal with my stuff right away. Thanks.

CiCi said...

Before I started recovery in the codependency program, I had heard people talk about one day at a time. Now it is part of my life as well as the tools I found in that program and with my therapist. This latest challenge threw me off track at first but not for long. I thought I would be married forever but it is not the end of a good life I can have.

CiCi said...

Jeni, you describe the slight loss of memory perfectly. When I get like that I know I need to push the "concentrate" button and slow down and work on it. I know you love the snow covered trees too and I am glad you like these.

CiCi said...

I can't take all pills at the same time for them to work right, so I am thinking I will put the pills for the next day in something and keep by the coffee pot. It is only four pills per day, but two of them are essential, the other two are supplements. Thanks for the continued encouragement, Liz.

LL Cool Joe said...

When I suffer with depression, I have to force myself to do things, anything, rather than just sitting wallowing in my own misery. It's tough, but yes, healthier that way. Good for you. Stay strong!

Brian Miller said...

prayers to you as you work through this...and know you are not alone as you do...your trees look a lot like ours today....

Maggie May said...

Snow covered branches always make a good picture. I think snow looks lovely in photos but I don't like to walk on it.
As regards forgetfulness......... well we all seem to have a bit of a problem with that as we get older. As long as it doesn't interfere with everyday life.
Maggie X

Nuts in May

CiCi said...

Hiding out and being miserable have to be kicked out and getting busy and being with people are what works for me. Being strong is what is difficult, but necessary. Thanks.

Abby said...

Beautiful poetry to accompany your beautiful photos. I think winter provides us with time to just be still and listen. Your self reflection is good and healthy, and I love reading your thoughts.

And I'm sorry about Henry.

Joanna Jenkins said...

Hi CiCi.... One day at a time, right? I admire you for pushing and moving forward. Keep up the good work.

And I have to say-- I could not live without my calendar to keep track of things and my daily pill box. Even with a busy schedule, one day seems to run into the other and I can't remember for the life of me if I took my meds unless I look in the box-- Makes me sound old, but sometimes the "same old, same old" blends from one day to the next. So don't be so hard on yourself.

xoxo jj

CiCi said...

Thanks for the kind words, Brian and all prayers are graciously accepted.

CiCi said...

Hi Maggie, there is something about snow covered trees that is attractive to me. Bushes with snow are like lace and the strength in the large trees as they cradle the snow is symbolic of nurturing. My everyday forgetfulness is funny most of the time now. I would rather laugh about it.

CiCi said...

My poem is really about the sadness of the past four months without my husband. Learning to live a new life without him when I envisioned growing old with him. I don't write much about him as he is still recovering from his latest manic episode and his life is also very different now.

CiCi said...

Hi Joanna, yes each day is a blessing and I do appreciate each step I take to be healthy and happy and productive.

Also, thanks for your advice. You are right about one day running into the next. I will get a weekly pill holder.

Anne H said...

ALL of what you said is just a reminder to practice AWESOME self-care right now!
Hard times.... uncertain times... strong times!
You have such goodness...
AFTER the Winter - comes the SPRING!
And it always comes... even when we don't think it will!
Count on it!

terri said...

Beautiful trees!

You are right to keep yourself busy. Keep doing those things that bring you happiness. Take photos. Spend time at the community center. Hopefully each day will become easier than the last.

CiCi said...

Taking care of myself is upmost importance and I know it. Given my past experiences it would be easy to hide away and hit bottom but I will not do that. I am stronger now and have tools to use to remain healthy.

CiCi said...

I have been using my camera more now that I have a cat. I send photos of her to my family.